"Spartans! Tonight we dine in HELL!" cries the good King Leonidas. I seriously doubt there are very many people who haven't heard that line or who don't know who King Leonidas is. 300 was an epic movie, and it was because everyone loves an underdog story. Nobody cared they lost. What made the movie great was the fighting, even if they went a little crazy with the slow motion. So how much better could you get than only 300 men in Speedos with swords, spears, and shields killing an uncountable number of Persian badasses with whips, bombs, and elephants?

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Samson.

Now, when I was growing up, all I ever really heard about Samson was this: He was really strong but without his hair he was nothing. He met a girl named Delilah who betrayed him by cutting his hair and turning him over to the Philistines. All I can say is, "Damn I missed a lot." So here's why I think that Samson would make a great movie:

Samson's Riddle

The first story we have is a great way to start off an action movie. So Samson and his folks are walking into town because he wants to get married to this girl but his dad doesn't like her, so he's going to talk to her. Well on the way into town, a lion pops out of nowhere (oh and his parents don't see this because they run off somewhere, which can be taken however you like it). Well, Samson does the only logical thing and rips it in half then hides the body behind a rock so nobody sees it. After the dad meets the girl, they go back home. Well Samson sees the lion carcass which is now bee infested. So he again does the logical thing and grabs a handful of honey to give to his parents.

While they're all munching on some lion honey Samson makes up this clever riddle: "From the one who eats came something to eat, from the strong came something sweet." He bets them 30 good clothes and 30 poor clothes that they can't figure it out. Well they get pissed because they don't know so they pressure his wife to give them the answer. Right before the time limit is up, they tell him the answer. Samson says, "If you hadn't plowed with my heifer, you wouldn't have found the answer to my riddle!" (That's a direct quote from my Bible, btw.)

Again Samson acts like anyone else would and goes and kills thirty people then takes their stuff and gives it to the winners. After that he gets all pouty and moves back in with mom and dad.

Samson's Revenge

So after his temper tantrum Samson comes back to his wife, only she's been married off to another man. The father's argument was that he "really thought [he] hated her." (I mean Samson only killed thirty people after all.) The father offered Samson his other, more beautiful daughter but Samson didn't take it.

Instead, being the sane person he is, he captures 300 (coincidence? I think not) foxes, sets their tails on fire, and let's them loose in the city, burning down the whole town, and then puts the blame on them. The Philistines then found out who did it, and burned his wife and her father alive.

Now, I'm not a very smart person, but if the same man that ripped a lion in half, kills 30 people because he lost a bet, captures 300 foxes, sets them on fire, and destroys your city is mad at you, I think I would stop and just leave him alone. But no... they had to go and kill his wife. So his kills many more of them. How many more? The Bible doesn't say, but Samson doesn't seem to take shortcuts so I assume it's a lot.

Pissed off as hell, the Philistines raid the city of Lehi looking for Samson. It is at this point I would like to say that citizens of Lehi seem to be the only smart people in this story, because they tell the Philistines to wait while they go get Samson, presumably so their city isn't destroyed too. So they send 3000 men to get little ol' Samson. Promising not to kill him (like they really could) Samson agrees to let them take him to the Philistines. This is why the people of Lehi are smart, because they are now completely off the hook from Samson's war path.

But now Samson is uber pissed off and just busts through the ropes like nobody's business. Then he grabs the jawbone of a donkey and kills ONE THOUSAND people. After killing them he says: "With the jawbone of an ass, I have made an ass of them. With the jawbone of an ass, I have killed a thousand men."

Then he tells God he's thirsty and a spring pops up for him to drink out of. I really don't know why I have to argue for this to be a movie.

But I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "But Mike, by this time in 300 we already had like two sex scenes." Well just hold on a minute, we're getting there.

Samson Removes Gaza's Gates

So like any man of God who is tired from killing a thousand people, Samson goes to the Philistine city of Gaza and sleeps with a hooker. The Philistines are still a little upset since their last encounter with Samson, so they decide to try and kill him again. They all gather at the city gates and wait for him to finish up in the morning.

Now, again I just have to point out how stupid the Philistines are. This man killed a thousand people like it was nothing, and you're going to wait for him in the morning when he's refreshed from a good night's sleep (and a little something else)? Why not just bum rush him when he's not expecting it? Sure it's a cheap shot, but it's pretty much the only chance they have. But Samson doesn't wait until morning to get up anyway, so I guess it doesn't matter.

No, instead he gets up in the middle of the night and leaves the city. Oh yeah, he took the city gates with him, most likely as a souvenir. Yeah, that's right, he took the gates. Just picked them up and threw them on his shoulder and walked out. I mean, for a man like Samson a prostitute can't be satisfying anyway. Now, I think that the smartest thing the Philistines ever did was not attack him while he's trying to do this.

Samson and Delilah

Now comes the part of the story that explains why you should never ever fall in love, because love ruins everything. The kind, sweet, loving Samson falls in love with some random chick named Delilah. Once again, the Philistines are there to ruin the fun. They bribe her with silver to get her to tell them what his secret is. Three times he makes up something and three times the Philistines try to capture him. Delilah keeps on nagging him until finally he tells her the truth.

Now again, I'm not much of a smart person, but if you tell your wife three different way to kill you, and then after each time someone tries to kill you in that exact way, then wouldn't you suspect that she's trying to help someone kill you? I mean, Occam's Razor Samson. Or was that before his time?

Anyway, after she tells them the real secret they chop off his hair and gouge out his eyes. Then they make him a slave. "But before long his hair began to grow back." Is it just me, or does that sound like a cheesy cliff hanger? And again Philistines, smarten up! If the dude is invincible because of his hair, then keep it chopped. Anyway...

Samson's Final Victory

So the Philistines, like any other pompous villain, have a huge celebration for the triumph over their enemy. And it wouldn't be complete without having Samson as a centerpiece! And where should they put him? How about the two support towers for the roof?

It's almost annoying how dumb the Philistines are. If your enemy is ridiculously strong then why would you put him between two support towers? I mean really...

So Samson prays to God, asking him for strength to tear down the Temple killing everyone in it. And at this point I can only assume that God is just ticked off at how incredibly stupid the Philistines are and wants to rid the world of idiots like them, so he answers the prayer and Samson ends up killing more than he ever did while he lived. And the Bible makes sure to point this out.

But it's already been a movie, why should they make another one?

Yeah it's already been made a movie, but does that look like it really lives up to a psychotic killer like Samson? If Samson were here today he would rip that man to shreds, and kill the director, writers, and producers for good measure. I mean think about all the fight scenes you could have with this story! His life was pretty much a gigantic fight scene, and maybe a couple of sex scenes when he took a break from killing people. Maybe that's why we didn't learn too much about him in Vacation Bible School...

But the main reason I think Samson should be made into a movie is that I'm getting kinda tired of Leonidas all the time. We need another ancient badass to look up to.